“She has played me for a fool for the last time”
I would argue that the President is a law enforcement official of some kind and thusly I have discovered a fictional individual worse at law enforcement than Lt. Maria LaGuerta (Lauren Velez) on Dexter and that man is President Elias Martinez – the worst fictional president on television ever – and that includes President Logan (Gregory Itzin) on 24, season 5’s main villain. Honestly, he deserves to have his planet invaded for all his idiocy. Since the beginning of the series he’s shown zero aptitude for whom to trust, and rather than work to find out who tried to assassinate him (which he seems to have COMPLETELY forgotten about), he’s spending his time grimacing having nightmares. Which brings us to …
THE WHAT?!?! LIST
10. Nightmare at 1600 The episode began with a nightmare. The cheesiest most pathetic nightmare a sitting president can have. Do you think Lincoln had dreams of Robert E. Lee sitting at his desk, trying to put a bullet in his brain? No. Lincoln dreamt of Electronic Sheep, stove top hats and kickin ass. Martinez dreams like a whiny bitch.
9. Drip-Face the Ray Maker So Thomas and the freed aliens head to the suburbs (duh where else would recently escaped aliens go?) where Thomas bought them all sweet houses. He met with Drip-Face the Ray Maker to comission some sort of thing that’ll bring help the aliens bring their people to earth. This guy looked like Jonah Hex’s nastier, uglier brother. Drip-Face gets added to the growing list of Event freakshows.
Vulcan NGC 253 Death Grip It takes Michael and Sophia about 5 minutes on the road to find Drip-Face. They tried beating info on Thomas’ plan out of him to no avail. Then Michael and Sophia exchange an ominous look and then Michael puts Drip-Face in some sort of death-grip-choke-hold and the information comes out faster than they can ask for it. I don’t know what powers they have, but this one’s kinda cool.
7. Thomas was responsible for Chernobyl? Drip-Face told Sophia and Michael of Thomas’ plan to steal Uranium, Sophia immediately called her BFF prez Martinez and told him the plan. And that the last time Thomas tried to steal Uranium by teleportation it caused a little meltdown called Chernobyl. So Martinez listens to Sophia and has the rods moved. Which is exactly what Thomas wanted! HAHAHAHA
6. The Best Hiding Spot in the WORLD! The major advantage I found in having a Drip-Face is it’s capacity to hide trinkets and nicnacs! See, Thomas set Sophia and Martinez up, he wanted Ol’ Drippy to get caught and plant them information. As soon as he got confirmation he pulled a communicator out of his nasty jowels and called Thomas. The 7 seconds it took him to dig around in his guts were so gross I almost vomited.
5. There’s a conspiracy? Oh yeaaaah. It took half the episode to see Sean, who stopped at his sister’s to catch his breath. I had totally forgotten that he was framed for murder, and that there was a conspiracy really at all. But there is a conspiracy and one of it’s agents happens to be the BEST and most LIKABLE character on the show, VICKI!
4. Vicki’s Back! Thank god last night brought the return of Vicki Roberts (Taylor Cole) easily the best thing on the series. Her character is complex and frikkin Bad Ass, and I’m stoked that she’ll be featured heavier in the next bunch of episodes.
3. The Sonny Corleone The uranium was on the road and Thomas set the perfect Sonny Corleone trap, proving once and for all that Don Barzini was a damn smart Don.
2. Alien Civil War So – there’s totally like an Alien civil war happening on our planet right? That’s what the EXTREMELY corny dialogue between guest Gabrielle Carteris and Jose Zuniga is leading us to believe. After Laila is dumped with some Aliens – after receiving NO information AGAIN – she overehars the brewings of the civil war. People are either on Sophia’s team and the goal is to go home, or Thomas’ team, and they ARE home. Alien Civil WatThat’s pretty cool.
1. President Elias Martinez The single most ineffectual leader on TV right now, maybe ever. I blame the writing – it’s awful – but Underwood isn’t doing himself any favors. He’s not rising above the mediocre dialogue like Hugh Laurie or having a fun campy time with it like Tim Roth on Lie to Me. Instead he sulk and phones in his dismay at being duped again and again. The face he made at the end of the series was the worst ever. Go back and pause it and see for yourself. Ugh.
Check back next week when we see Vicki hopefully in more than two scenes!